One of the deepest unfulfilled desires in my life is to have a baby. One of the greatest gifts I’ve received from the Lord during this process is peace. Can this unfulfilled longing for a child and the gift of peace from the Lord coexist in my life? Is it ok to still want this baby so desperately but I rest in peace for it while I wait? Is that even possible? One of the things I have prayed for the most over the past 5 years of my life is peace. Peace to recognize that this whole waiting for a baby thing is not in my control. And then it came, truly came, like a flood over my life, over my spirit. Obviously, there are still moments of weakness where for a day maybe two I’m in the depths of despair. But then that peace pulls me right back out and I’m ok again. I have often wondered though, does my peace mean I really don’t want a baby all that badly? I’ve read so many blogs of women that are going to the ends of the earth to make this baby thing happen. I’ve had good friends go through incredibly challenging procedures that involve medicine, and injections, and lots and lots of examinations into places we wish could just stay unexplored. I’ve done a handful of those examinations but I haven’t gone the distance. I’m at peace with where my husband and I are at right now. I still believe it will happen, when God decides it’s time. But does that mean I don’t desire it as badly as those couples who have gone through it all to bring that special addition to their family?
This has been a real struggle of a question in my mind. I think the answer to that question is no. I’m not hurting less than the woman who has been through failed IUI’s or IVF’s. We hurt differently. I don’t think anybody deals with this struggle the same way. And I don’t think there is a specific path you have to travel as you cope through the difficulties. My husband and I just don’t feel drawn to those methods just yet. We have talked to doctors about the possibilities, but at this present time we are at peace with where God has put us. I love reading stories, several just recently, about couples who have had a successful journey through IVF, etc.. or about couples who’s adoption finally went through! But at this time that’s not our path. Maybe one day it will be. We are keeping the options open. But what we feel is best for our family right now is to cherish each other and work on building our lives better together with the time that we do have. Because one thing I do know, is this whole infertility thing takes a toll on your relationships. It tears you apart, it brings you together, it makes one have to be strong enough to carry the other for a little while, and if you let it it will build a relationship that cannot be broken by anything.
I don’t have to compare my journey to the thousands of other women that are on a similar journey. They have supported me like I support them in whatever paths we all decide to take. That is a great thing I’ve seen in this community of women. We truly love and care about the other women having a similar struggle. I have cried when reading a complete stranger’s news that she is now pregnant because I know how hard it is to wait so long. I have prayed for successful procedures for women I don’t even know because I want them to have what they want so badly. And I believe that others have done the same for me. We are not alone. There may not be anybody in our family or circle of friends that understands. But this community understands. We know what it feels like. I pray for your peace in this process. I pray that you can have peace at the same time you are longing so deeply for that baby.