Have you ever felt completely and totally unprepared for something you are having to do? Like you have had all this time to study for a test that is coming, but instead of preparing you spent that time focused on other things and then suddenly it’s the day of the test and you think you can cram in all the studying you need to do but there just isn’t enough time. This is how I feel right now. I feel like I spent most of my life preparing for something, but now I’m being asked to do something else and what I’m now being asked to do I’m in no way prepared for.
I would’ve never imagined a life where I wasn’t a teacher and a coach. Yet here I am. Despite the challenges of this life I wasn’t prepared for, despite the “delayed fertility” (as Lauren from “I.am.fruitful” so perfectly puts it here), I feel right smack dab in the middle of where God wants me to be. Which is equally crazy because I have no idea where exactly that is. I’m facilitating one bible study, a table leader at another, blogging and sharing some of the most personal details of my life and feel unqualified to do all of it.
I had the amazing opportunity to sit down with a group of women today that will be involved with our next bible study at our church. As I listened to them share and collaborate I have never felt so privileged, blessed, and out of my comfort zone all at the same time. I have nowhere near the years of experience and ministry service these women have. I am not eloquent of speech. Anytime I try to share the things God is doing in my life with anyone in real life I feel like I stumble over my words and can’t truly communicate the depths to which He is impacting my life. Even now I feel like my words fall short.
The cool thing about all of this though is that, although I feel completely unqualified to do whatever it is God is leading me towards, I’m not afraid. I believe who God calls, He equips. I don’t know that I’ll ever be “ready”. I think that’s what makes our impact stronger. The things I’m getting involved in right now and the direction I feel I’m being lead are so far outside of my normal personality there can’t be any question about the fact that God is the one doing the work, not me. And I recently heard a great message from Carl Lentz that resonated well with me. He said “who told you that you couldn’t be used in the middle of your progress?” And there is no doubt I am a work in progress.
I may not ever fully understand the reasons behind the path God has lead me down. I may not ever get to see the big picture as to why He hasn’t allowed us to have children yet. I know it’s been hard. And I know that our moments of greatest growth often come in our times of greatest pain. I have seen this ring true in my life for sure. I believe that God can take the suffering you are going through and transform it into something special. If you aren’t seeing it yet, keep pressing on. Don’t throw in the towel. He promises to work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) And He is faithful to keep His promises. One day you will look back and see the evidence of the work He has done. And you will surprisingly be so overwhelmingly grateful.